Are you willing to forgive?

Posted: 19 February 2013

As human beings we are an emotionally fragile bunch. That however is not a bad thing. Indeed, it is our emotional state that most readily separates us from the animal kingdom. We perceive love, joy, surprise, anger, sadness and fear, and we can deliver those positive or negative emotions to others in the way we act. These negative emotions when given or received, hurt, and can hurt very deeply. The old school yard response to bullies runs, ’sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me’. It may be a cute rhyme but it’s not true. What affects us most deeply is not the physical insults that come our way but those which offend us on a personal level. To have a trusted friend betray us hurts. To have a sibling insult another sibling hurts. These hurts are very real and they do not easily dissipate.

Society has some plan as to how to deal with physical insults. Courts and prisons are full of people who have caused physical hurt to another in some way. This is not the same with emotional hurt. Sometimes we will be initially unaware that our words and actions (or our response to those words) have offended another. Even those who are most careful may still at some point offend another person. There is no shortage of friendships and families that have broken down because deliberate or indeliberate offence has occurred. These delicate situations are not easy to resolve because all parties may, to some extent, have hurt another by their actions, choices or words. Recall the parable of the Prodigal son who offended his father by taking his inheritance to indulge in a wasted life. In time he returned truly sorry for his actions and his father forgave him but the one person who could not forgive was the older brother who had remained at home always faithful. In the end, by his anger, the older brother became as guilty as the younger.

The reason rifts do not get resolved is because too many of us feel justified in our positions of hurt or anger at another. People can spend a lifetime explaining the precise way in which they have suffered offence, and this may well be true, but at that point there are only two options. One can remain convinced of the need for the other person to reform and thus remain hurt and angry forever, or make a conscious decision to forgive. Now as soon as people hear about forgiveness they get specific ideas of what that means, for example, ‘I am happy to forgive as long as…’, or, ‘we can only move forward when…’. This is not genuine healing forgiveness. Forgiveness in the truest sense is a highly radical proposition, one not known well by a neo pagan society. Forgiveness involves an unconditional all embracing love of the other regardless of what offence, hurt or anxiety has been given us. This type of forgiveness involves taking our gaze from the other onto our own lives to examine where we may have given offence. It is rare that one person is completely innocent while the other is completely guilty.

True forgiveness brings about a love that is patient, kind and rich in mercy. Even if we are truly the innocent one, forgiveness will be quick to turn the other cheek. Those who follow the Christian faith will recognise the ancient petition in the Lord’s Prayer, ‘forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us’. Here it seems clear that personal forgiveness from God is completely dependent on our willingness to unreservedly forgive others, and be happy about that forgiveness. We must not remain thinking that our forgiveness makes us a better person than the one who we have forgiven. If we remain as the righteous older brother in the story of the prodigal son, we cannot say we have forgiven. If we do not acknowledge that our actions may have offended another, we cannot say we have forgiven. What we are too often looking for is a judge and jury, we want to have our story heard and be told who is guilty and innocent. This sort of mentality will never find peace because mercy is always greater than justice. The person who spends his life looking for justice will always be hurt and never have the opportunity to be truly happy. So go on, in this New Year, reach out in true forgiveness and see your life transformed.

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Not a faith of rules but of perfect love

Posted: 25 September 2011

For many of us – myself included – we can say easily and without much thought “I trust in God”, but in reality how many of us really do, and to what extent? There are some beautiful words from Christ in chapter seven of Saint Matthew’s Gospel:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For the one who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Is there anyone among you who, if your son asks for bread, will give a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give a snake? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good things to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him.”

These are the very words of Christ, the Son of God and God Himself. They should fill us with great hope. If we cannot believe these words deep within our being, then there are no words we can believe. Admittedly, these words are not easy. Yes, they are easy when everything is going as we desire but when life turn sour or when our plans tend to differ from God’s, it is then that we face the temptation to turn and walk our own way. Essentially all sin and all vice is us deciding to walk our own way. It is us not trusting that God’s only desire is to provide for us out of His love.

We think we know what will make us happy, well actually, we do know what will make us happy, it is to be loved and to give love in return. What we are not so clear on, is working out how to love rightly in every situation. If God really is the personally loving God that Jesus Christ told us about then should we not be willing to hand our whole lives and its direction to him? If we do not constantly come back to God as a God of love and learn from Him, then we will begin to see Him and all of Christianity and her teachings as merely rules given by a harsh taskmaster.

All this talk of trusting in God though is an unachievable ideal, if we do not incorporate the grace of God into our life. The secular world says that all you need to be happy is within, but this is wrong, or at least, it is incomplete. We are creatures, wonderfully made creatures, but still only creatures and fallen ones at that. We struggle to do what we know we should do. Our desire and our will are often in conflict. The only way to perfection, to reach the plan of God for our life, is with sanctifying grace. You might say to yourself, “I will be ok, I just need to toughen up” but without grace you will fail as certain as the sun will rise tomorrow.

We must ask for God’s grace every day, if necessary we must pray for the desire to desire God’s grace. There is a popular image of Christ standing at a door knocking but the door has no handle. The door represents our hearts. The Lord stands and knocks but he will not force entry into our lives, only we can open the door to the Lord, and we can be assured that the moment we do, his grace will come flooding in. It is primarily in the sacraments that we receive this grace; these are the channels of blessing that Christ left for us. Frequent Holy Communion and Confession will feed and purify our souls. We should cling to the sacraments like we would to a life vest in the ocean. St Augustine once wrote, “Pray as if everything depended on God and work as if everything depended on you”. This needs to be our plan for life.

Christ said “be perfect as your heavenly father is perfect”. He would not have set us such a high goal if we were not given the means to do it. Let us never forget we are the creatures of a God of love, a God who loved us so much that he died, not for humanity as some general concept, but for you and for me personally. The only way to our true happiness is through God’s plan. Sometimes God’s plan is difficult but there is no reward without a struggle, no crown without a cross. When we unite ourselves to the cross of Christ our burdens are lifted and we will find the happiness we desire.

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Love, not Hate

Posted: 23 September 2011

It seems that everywhere I look there are people who are going out of their way to annoy me! People who insist on driving at 70km even though the limit is 90km. People who have personal phone conversations on the train. People who chew with their mouths open. The list could take up this entire column! There are situations, however, that are beyond ‘annoying’, situations that can affect us in serious ways.

I was recently speaking to some friends who run a franchise business and the franchise director is really making life very difficult for them, to an extent that it is affecting their ability to run their business. The director tells lies, is obnoxious and rude. More than just affecting business, though, when we encounter people like this it can adversely affect our happiness. We begin to boil on the inside, it consumes us at work and at home, we begin to hate the person and are led into personal sadness and depression. These sorts of situations will play out for all of us in different ways through our lives but how can we respond?

It seems to me that there really are only two answers: we can burn with hate for the person or we can burn with love for the person. Love?! What?! The person who is causing us harm and grief in whatever way, is most often acting out of their own pain. They might be having family problems; perhaps they are insecure or lonely. Mother Teresa often spoke of loneliness as the greatest poverty especially in the modern Western world, and even a person who appears to have it all (family, career, assets etc) can be deeply lonely. Whatever it is, there is probably a pain in their heart.

Our encounter then with the person who is causing us so much grief should before anything else be seen as an opportunity to show love. One of my all time favourite movie scenes is in the film ‘Karol’ which tells the story of the life of Karol Wojtyla prior to him being elected as Pope John Paul II. Karol lived as a Bishop in Poland, which suffered at the hands of the Nazis and, once they had moved out, the communists moved in. Both movements were ones of hate. Seeing the Church as their largest threat, the communist leaders planted spies all around Bishop Wojtyla. One particular spy was sent as a student into Wojtyla’s university lectures. The spy also bugged the confessional to find anything he could which would accuse Wojtyla of encouraging a violent uprise against the regime. Day in and day out, this spy listened to the pain in the hearts of those who came to Confession and he heard the love of Christ that was offered to them by Wojtyla.

In a very moving scene, the man, who could no longer live with himself, approaches Wojtyla to confess to being a spy. “Even though I hated you, your words slipped inside of me like water through a crack. You speak of love. Such a sick word”. And with that he broke down in the forgiving arms of the future Pope.

The point is that we all know the typical response to those who cause us pain. It is to cause them pain back. But there is another way and, amazingly, there is no weapon against it.

Love will break down any barrier because every hardened heart, every cruel boss, every offensive individual we meet desires love.

But it’s not enough just to smile at the person when we see them and avoid them like the plague the rest of the time. We need to love them, actively.

In the autobiography of St Therese of Liseux, she tells the story of a particular nun who irritated her to no end and made her life miserable. Therese reaches a point where she writes “I reminded myself that sentiments of charity were not enough; they must find expression, and I set myself to treat her as if I loved her best of all.” Therese loved this fellow nun, not just in words but with actions. She looked past what displeased her to see the person with all their pain, and their hurt but also their gifts and talents.

Whoever is causing you trouble is not going to be any worse than the communist spy but, even if they are, the key is to love them, love them actively, love them like you would love the most important person in your life. You will turn your difficult situation around but most important you will genuinely help someone and become a better person yourself.

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